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New blog.

. , | : m

Time to start a fresh and let go of the old!

For all my (limited, if any) readers, I'm now going more main stream and word vomiting on circularhopes.blogspot.in




Its been a good run, my livejournal baby.


Thank you for the support on lonely monsoon nights.


I'll see ya






Dilz

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Mistake.

. , | : m

What do you do if you've made a horrible mistake and it involves a family member?

And they don't even know what you've done?

What if all they gain is hurt and the feeling betrayal and you gain a clear conscience.

Is it worth the trade?

Is it fair?


But then honesty is what all healthy relationships are based on.


But does every situation require honesty?

Are some things really better left unsaid?

I guess it's back to crying on the bathroom floor and begging God for forgiveness before I can make a decision on this.







dilz

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Fairytales.

. , | : m

People always say you're your most productive writing self when you're sad or hurt or devastated or in very deep pain. In that time, that moment of inspiration, you become the rawest version of your inner being and the words kind of become colors on a blank canvas.

But, I guess my heart break was different. A weird roller coaster that I had no idea I was on. Days went by quick. Like shooting stars when the night sky is clear. But the night, oh how the night dragged me through layers of hurt that I didn't know I had.

Some days I was so happy and had such a zest for life and old friendships that it almost felt like our separation didn't have any sort of impact on me and my life whatsoever. But then the dreadful crying days fit themselves in somewhere between all the happy days, and man did they knock the wind out of me.

When you give, what you thought was the best part of yourself to someone, and they keep it in the darkest corner of their mind and leave it there to gather dust, forgetting that its your heart they brushed aside and not an old pair of socks, the engulfing pain is often exhaled only through this horrible roller coaster.

Two months have gone by since I found the courage to gather up all my little pieces in my arms and walk away from what I thought was my safe place for the rest of life.

When those kind of dreams are shattered, the sound of the little pieces finding their place on the ground around you, tends to ring in places at your core that you had no idea ever existed. Places that were never supposed to be awakened.

I'm stronger than I believed, I know that now.
I'm wiser now than I've ever given myself credit for.
And to gain both, my heart has paid a price that I will remember until the day comes where some loves me enough to make me forget all the pain.



Sigh... Long live fairytales and my strong standing belief in them (and soulmates).











Dilz

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Now.

. , | : m

The rotting smell of your lifeless love
Is all I can remember now
Your self righteous smile
And your arrogant laugh
That satisfaction in your eyes
Every time I cried
That demeaning sting in your voice
Every time you pointed out my flaws
I used to be a dreamer
When we held hands
I had my head in the clouds
And dream built on what now seems like
Nothing
Your promises came in with the wind
And left just as quickly on it's last swish
2 years I spent
Believing something that now seems so selfish
Your selfish needs
And conceited wants
Your life and your dreams are all we talked of
Like I didn't exist
Like I was only meant to speak when I was spoken to
The only words that rings clear now
When I think of what you've said most often
All I can come up with is "I"
All you ever uttered
Were words about yourself
All you ever wished for
Was your future
And things that made you happy
All I did was glue pieces back together for you
And restore your lost faith
But baby
What about me?
Sitting here I feel proud
Proud to have walked out on you
And all your bullshit ideas
Your tainted love
And the one way street of hope that I walked on




Karma will take care of you now.

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I Wonder

. , | : m

I'll never forget that rainy Tuesday night
I picked up that phone and I knew
I just knew
Another week of your silence
And I was empty
People told me that
If I loved something and it didn't bring me happiness
To leave it there, and walk  away
Somehow the old words of
If you love something let it go
Started to ring in my head
And somehow was resonating in my heart
I loved you with such fierceness
Lord knows I did
But when I struggled
I did it alone
When I cried
It was my hand that wiped away the pain
When I asked for help
All you did was turn the other cheek
It's been just two weeks to the day
And it feels like you've been gone forever
My heart aches just knowing your presence is near
And my skin trembles at the idea that you won't touch it again
What did I do wrong
I ask myself... night after night
Day after day
Each one rolls into the next
Though I try telling myself otherwise
I stay up wondering if you're hurting
Like I am
If you're heart is breaking every day
Like mine is
Does my face race through your mind
Everytime you're trying to concentrate
Is this really the end of our chapter?
Will there really be no wedding bells?
Or baby names that we'll pick out together
Will you love another woman more than you loved me?
Or are your words of "you're my one and only" always going to matter?
The unending questions that came to life
In the light of our untimely demise
I still wonder if you'll knock on the door
Or shift the universe in a last ditch attempt to get me back
Do you want me back at all?
I wonder...
As my wounds deepen
And my eyes swell
I let myself fade into the darkness
Holding onto a single thread of hope
That maybe I'll matter enough



Enough for one last try...







Dilz

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Two Summers Ago

. , | : m

I was like sunshine, you once said
Like the smell of rain just as it hit the soil
Smiling became a way of life with you around
Dances on damp terraces
And fingers laced all the time

You said my smile brightened your world
And my voice calmed your every doubt
Through peaks and valleys we roamed together
Happiness became second skin
Special dinners and candle light
Kisses under the summer moon

Your future was in me, you said
Our dream home, that beautiful ring
Security became something I got comfortable with
Late night talks and secret 'I love yous'
I was your greatest joy

Two summers have come and gone
And two winters have left us dry
The years have started to show in your love
The nights of tears
And the days of silence

Our dreams have been washed away by pain
Our ideas tormented by expectation
Our fingers don't lace like they used to
And your face doesnt light up anymore when I'm around
Not like it used to, atleast

Its been a long time
Since I've been beautiful to you
It's been a long time
Since you've been home to me
I guess silence does speak louder than words

Oh, best friend
Where have you gone to?
Is there no hope for us anymore?
Is your love for me less than it used to be?
What have I done so wrong?
Where did we lose ourselves, along this road?

Picking up the pieces now
All I can do is wait for that knock at the door
That ring of the phone
Your voice on the other side
With the same hope it used to have



The same softness I've known from two summers ago...









dilz

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Summer Air

. , | : m

Summer air brings with it the dawn of new understanding
The monsoon rains have washed away what used to be
And made room for all the will be's
As my heart learns new lessons
And my head learns to understand the old ones
I fall into a tranquil state of confidence
A state of "what's meant to be shall be"
Previous nerves have calmed into a lullaby of sorts
Ideas have sort of seperated and fallen into brackets
Love, expectation, forgiveness, dissapoint, freedom
Every morning I wake up with this helpless desire
For what I need to know, what I need to un-know
A whirldwind of rights and wrongs form this toxic mix within me
And yet, in front of him, I have nothing to say
Words somehow won't seem to come together to form sentences
His mouth speaks of how he wants to understand
But his eyes, his ever tired eyes, scream at me to let go and change
They speak of expectations that I fall short on
They yell out mistakes that I unknowingly have seemed to make
His unhappiness with my very being made evident
In the constant frown between his eyes
Apologies have started flowing from my mouth like a river
Night comes and I lay in bed, wondering what I was sorry for
Doubting myself has suddenly become second skin
But then again, it's probably become his as well
This constant game of 'who's fault is it this time'
My tears now fall on deaf ears, and crisp pillow cases
The woman in me has suddenly stopped looking for solace from the man in her life
I find myself lying awake night after night, reminiscing on old times
Old times, old flames, old laughs, old kisses... forbidden thoughts
But then I supposes, unhappiness never does bring out the best of memories
I think of what him and I have come to and only one word flashes --- undependability
Can I really call him at 2 in the morning with this lump in my throat and be sure there'll be a knock at the door?
Can I go for a party and know he'll come to share a dance with me, even if it's supposed to be a day of work
Can I call on his day off, surprise him with the news of no work and know he'll spend his day with me?
As of now, all that I can come up with for an answer to such questions is... No.
Like my mother once said, if a man does not find it important to give you his time, a fight  won't make it happen
Complicated things, relationships are, when you're not 17 and obsessed beyond craziness with a boy who keeps you on a pedestal
I guess the 'rents were right, all the time I wished I would get older, would end in a lifetime of regret over what I had asked for.
Dilz

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Waiting On Forever

. , | : m

We've been on quite the roller coaster
You and I
Broken hearts lie scattered on this path now
Pieces lost in the shadows of pain
Years have gone by, saying we're the same
Convincing ourselves of being soulmates
But, my heart doesn't exist anymore
Not as a whole atleast
Where's the purity that love should be?
Or the beauty that used to be you and me?
Hours tick on but this phone doesn't ring
I wonder who's wrong
Who should apologize this fight away
But then again
It's always your fault, right?
I can't seem to decide what I think
Or what I know is right
What used to be my wisdom
Is starting to slip away
Like sand through gripping fingers
I slowly loose what I thought
What rightfully mine
Nights have gone by
Trying to drown my sorrow
At the bottom of Old Monk bottles
Oh darling, why can't you be you with me
Mornings come like promised misery
And another night of tears go by
Fading into the space over my shoulder
What version of you will a new dawn bring
My heart always wonders
How soft will your words be this time
I know I'm no walk in the park
And I know my heart is too hard to hold
But where's the promise of compromise
The promise of help to be better
Tears don't roll down my face anymore
Just an agonizing tug in my stomach
Everytime I think you're at the door
And there's no one there
Letting go isn't an option with this
Not with you
Not with us
Don't ignore me cause it easier
My love, take me in your arms
And do it all over again
Do it right
Do it like you used to
Make me feel like a princess again
Lift me up high and keep me there
Don't drown me in this misery
Don't let me cry myself to sleep another me


My Angel, I'm waiting on you
Waiting on forever









dilz

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What?

. , | : m

If you're the beginning of something good
Then you must be the end of something bad
But this inbetween
This pungent sting of reality
You exist in it
But you're so faded
So stuck in ways of your past
Logic to feelings
Feelings to rust
Rust to gold
Gold to dust
That's how our story goes
That's how our thoughts blend
Laughing like crazy people
And then in an instant it turns to crying
Sobbing, weeping, whining, begging, pleading
Such is our story
Of love and lust
Of games and thurst
Of what's found
And what's lost






dilz

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Prayers.

. , | : m

The blanket of rain clouds no longer exists over this windy city.
No more do I worry about wet sandals, or shivering auto rides home.
The sun has been coming out to play recently and the leaves of coconut trees have never looked so lush.
But, this silly heart of mine is still lost in old street corners and dusty memories of what used to be.
Sitting and waiting for something, anything, never seemed so painful before.
The blur of a once familiar face has burnt deep into the core of my being and almost laughs at me every night, as my eyes shut out the what ifs.

I have been surviving very well on it will bes and getting along with them, till they turned into if onlys about a week ago.
Somewhere along my cushiony evenings of watching One Tree Hill and drinking iced teas, I let go of something.
I'm not sure what it was, but all I know is, there used to be something there and now all I have left is an empty spot, nagging at me to be filled.
Love, in it's truest form is supposed to lift you up and give you hope. It's supposed to be pure even when the person across from you isn't.
Or you're never supposed to be able to tell even if they aren't... or something around that.
Some little shred of hope seems to still engulf me about a man, a man who was my pride and joy, but is now a disappointment in what should have been a fairytale.
But, who's going to explain that to a childish, hopeful heart.

Auto rides to work make me think of the possibilities, and on some lonely days, the different endings this story could have.
Melancholy seems to be hitting me in doses these days. Little bursts of unbearable pain that slowly go hide in the corners of my mind.
Sometimes, when I get out of the auto and head to work, I can feel myself leaving behind this muddled ball of intertwined, endless thoughts.
Someone once said, "the greatest meditation is a mind that let's go"... But how does one do that?
How do you get to a place where you just, finally, let it all go? All of it.
Sometimes I pray that I find out, and other times I pray that I don't have to, and he'll come around.











dilz

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